Be Happy

When I was a little girl, I had this dream of changing the world. I wanted to replace crime and war with love and friendship. I wanted to unite my distant family, and keep my fighting parents together. I want to build children's homes, schools, and hospitals everywhere that needed those things. I wanted to be an ambassador to my country and encourage international friendliness and acceptance.

Yeah, I was going to be this great, big, grand peacemaker, continuing the dreams of heroes like Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa, and so on. Things didn't work out that way though.

Recent events have reminded me of the numerous people that have repeatedly stood in my way, preventing me from achieving my full potential and goals. Sure, I may not have become this world-wide peacemaker and achieve every single dream I've ever had; that's more than a bit much. The thing that bothers me, is how much of myself I gave up to people that continuously brought nothing but negativity to my life.

From the people I admired from childhood and always rushed to serve and assist, to people who had threatened me with bodily harm, regardless of the history, I once believed in being nice to everyone. I honestly thought that I could change the hatred people had for me into any form of acceptance, or at least tolerance.

I was brought up to believe it was my duty to take care of everyone around me, to serve them, to do as they said, and to put everyone above myself. So I did. When I refused to do as I was told I was regularly punished. If I stood up for myself, it was viewed as being disrespectful, and I was punished. When I stood up for those who couldn't stand up for themselves, I was out of place, and I was punished.

So I easily believed that my place was to serve everyone else etc. and I did. Everywhere I went, I insisted that I help out to make myself useful. I felt like dead weight otherwise. As a young girl growing up, my mother would question what my purpose in life was, and if I wasn't certain of that myself, then it must be what everyone else was saying, right? Wrong.

This past year has been one of the most trying ones in my entire life, with the exception of marrying my wonderful husband. My name has been continuously slandered in two different countries, while I stayed quiet and took the threats and insults. I've recently found out that the situation is worse than I presumed, and also stretches into legal matters. Am I hurt? Of course. Am I angry? Of course. But what do I do now?

I can take revenge in the lowest forms of course, but that's not what I'm about. So how do I intend on clearing my name whilst upholding my morals? I actually have no idea. But I do know that stooping to the level of these offenders is not the solution.

This is the part where I would like to say, I rightly stood up for myself, demanded justice, and got that justice, completely undeterred. However, this was not the case. I was crushed. My emotions ranged from extreme anger to terrified hurt. I felt the first teardrop fall and realized I was letting them get the best of me. So I stopped.

I cleared my throat, took in a deep breath and began thinking. With my husband's support, I then began looking for ways to deal with the situation. Did I forget all about the anger and hurt? Of course not. But there was only so much I could do. Somehow, these people had found a way around the law, but I wasn't going to follow them in that.

Admittedly, these emotions continued to haunt me, as well as other events that have taken place throughout the past year. I could not understand why it was these people had such a problem with me. What had I done to offend them? The biggest problem they accused me of? I existed. I was there. And they did not want that.

So I considered all of this and came to the conclusion that I don't need those people, their opinions, or their hatred. I have completely cast them out of my life, and I will surround myself with people that make me happy. As a cheering up session, my husband and I proceeded to make some pizza, which in many cases, works like a drug for me. So I began the dangerous activity of...thinking.

I thought about other instances in my life where such incidents had occurred, albeit on a smaller scale, and how I had overcome them. Just by thinking about such things kept me down, and prevented me from being the best I could be. I was afraid I would bother someone, offend someone, and so on. Yet, when I forgot about these negative people and let myself feel free to be happy, that's what I was...happy!

Sounds simple right? The thing is, it rarely is that simple. To the back of my mind I would randomly wonder what I would do if I bumped into Mr. ABC or Ms. XYZ. Would I be able to handle the situation? What if they have an angry episode wherever they find me? What if I break down? What if they try to physically hurt me? These questions were among many that would haunt me.

However, I decided to just let everything go and forget about everyone. Any relative that hurt me? I no longer considered that person a relative. They would now be a stranger. Any friend that hurt me? I no longer knew that friend. If I met these people anywhere, I decided, I would pretend that they were strangers. If they insisted on making contact, I had the right to leave, and if I were talking to a real stranger, they would be pretty creepy if they began interrogating me after politely excusing myself, and I would still leave.

So instead of going around and giving everyone a bad name with the actual truth, which I seriously considered finally doing, I just asked myself "Who said they'll do what? You no longer know that person or have anything to do with them. Why would you harbor hurt and anger for a stranger? Say goodbye and let it be." So I did.

As I meditated, I visualized these people coming towards me, and I visualized myself closing a door. I wondered if I was locking myself in a room or building. But I locked them away, in an imaginary sound proof area. I visualized myself walking away from that, breathing in the fresh morning air, and going for a lovely walk, enjoying the beautiful scenery around me, oblivious to "them".

So I ate pizza all night, blasted music and sang and dance the next day, and I let myself be happy. I've made it through worse, so I'm sure I will make it through this. After running around in circles for people that were harboring such negativity about me, it should be perfectly okay for me to be happy, and you know what? It is.

My point? To everyone that has been taken advantage of or screwed over unjustly in any way, stop letting the offenders occupy your time. Don't think about them, don't keep hurting over them, don't wish you could be angrier for them. Lock them away in your own visualized sound proof building or whatever it takes to help you seriously cut them off. Say goodbye to it all, to who they were to you, and let the rest be.

Letting them go will actually let you be happier. Make YOU a priority in your life. Don't give up on the hope that there are good people out there. There are; I'm blessed to know many. No matter how bad things seem, you're never really alone. And if you find yourself in any situation where the negative actions of others unjustly hurt you, don't dwell on the hurt needlessly. Allow yourself to process the situation, and then let it go.

Whether it takes pizza, loud music, or venting out to a good friend, do whatever it takes to let go of the pent up feelings these kinds of people have caused. And then...let yourself be happy, because you damn well deserve it. Happiness is healthy, after all. ^_^